Boundaries and Walls

I have been thinking about boundaries and walls in the context of relationships with others. I really dislike wall building between people and have seen walls built for the silliest reasons over the years. In my observations, walls are rather quickly built through miscommunication and misunderstanding. Many times, the wounded heart will erect a wall for heart protection and that wall may never come down, even though the other party humbles themselves and seeks reconciliation. I think Jesus came to tear down the walls we build around our hearts, more on that later.

Walls are different than boundaries. When I think of a wall what comes to mind is a concrete block wall or a wood wall that separates one person's property from another for privacy. As a kid, I remember climbing over walls that separated our So. Calif. suburban yards to see who was swimming in the neighbors pool, with the hope that when they saw me they might invite me swimming. It was a major effort to scale that barrier and my efforts weren't always greeted with a warm welcome. The wall did what it was supposed to do, give the neighbors privacy and prevent me from entering their backyard world.

People put up walls in relationships in the form of a masks. Mask wearing is all too common. The essence of mask wearing is hiddeness. For many different reasons, the wounded heart fashions a mask for protection.The saddest thing to me is that mask wearers never receive love. Their masks prevent them from receiving love that penetrates the heart. When you try to love a mask wearer and attempt to go deeper in relationship; they usually run to their closet full of masks and a wall is formed.

How do you deal with this wall building in relationships? This is one of the areas where boundaries come into play.

Boundaries are different. Here is what Dr. Harold L. Arnold, Jr. says about boundaries in relationships, he is talking specifically about marriage in this case, but I think his words are applicable for most relationships.

Healthy Boundaries.

Boundaries are an imaginary and internal line where your self ends and another's self begins. There are three types of boundaries: rigid (unhealthy because they are inflexible and disinterested in the perspectives of others); enmeshed (unhealthy because they are so weak that they cannot guarantee safety); and permeable (healthy because they are strong and flexible; able to accept a learning posture while restricting influences which are unsafe for the marriage). God-centered marriages work to maintain marriages with permeable boundaries.

I love the word permeable in respect to a healthy boundary in relationships. A permeable membrane will allow certain molecules or ions to pass through by diffusion. Th at is for you science buffs. In human relationships I think trust is the key in increasing permeability thus increasing the health of the relationship.

Permeable boundaries are necessary in relationships. They help you maintain relationship and keep open the opportunity for another person to experience love, acceptance and grace.

There are other boundaries that we need in our lives. More on that next time. Your thoughts and experiences?